This Day in Death

10.8.12: Antisa Khvichava, World’s Oldest Woman – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 3:22 pm October 12, 2012

You know what’s awesome about being 132 years old? Struggling to drink water.

A woman in Georgia (that’s Georgia the shitty country, not Georgia the shitty state), who was supposedly the world’s oldest person at 132 years of age, has died today as the result of, I don’t know, turning her head slightly to the left or something. Sorry, but when you have to use a complex system of wires and pulleys just to blink I kinda have a hard time being too broken up about your passing onto the sweet relief that is absolutely anything else.

Experts have some doubt over the claims however, as all the documents stating her age were created long after Mrs Khvichava’s birth. Without documents dating from the 1880s, researchers said her real age is likely to remain a mystery.

The oldest living person at the moment is 116-year-old Besse Cooper from the state of Georgia in the USA. Her birth can be officially proven to have been in August 1896.

GodDAMMIT! This better not just be more supercentenarians hoaxing the world for fame and fortune. I already got rolled by that bitch Dina Manfredini for, like, a year’s supply of Werther’s Originals. These people are a menace, what with their forged records and their afghans that cover their entire bodies, even in the summer. What are they hiding under there, anyway…? Is it drugs? I bet it’s drugs. If only something could stop them, like a drafty window, or a 2-foot fall, or finding out there’s a black president. I’m not saying we need to get rid of them *all*, I’m just saying that we should brand and microchip anyone over 50 for easy tracking and, if deemed necessary and/or entertaining by a court of myself and people who agree with me about everything, violent public execution. And then maybe we make their bodies into little puppets. Honestly, I’m not even sure how you could reasonably take issue with that.

Also, how is Supercentenarian Age Verification Challenge not on the Game Show Network right now?

Source: The Independent

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