This Day in Death

1.9.13: Balcony Lap Dancer – DEAD!

Filed under: Dead —James @ 7:18 am January 11, 2013

CHRISTIES_CABARETCome to Christie’s Cabaret, where drug lords meet to discuss murder plots in movies about dystopian futures!


I don’t know much about these things because I’m usually tied up with my Christian praise band on the weekends, but apparently a ‘strip club’ is a place where a group of gentlemen can go to become sexually aroused and then try to withhold release. It’s sorta like a game of Ejaculate Chicken, except that nobody wins. Nobody ever, ever wins.

After spending a week in critical condition at the MetroHealth Medical Center in Cleveland, exotic dancer Lauren Block succumbed to injuries she sustained after hitting her head in a 15-foot fall from a strip club balcony.

You know what would prevent tragedies like this in the future? Suicide nets. I mean, it could kill that legendary hopeful ambiance that strip clubs are known for, but when those girls finally get that Associate’s Degree in General Studies they’ll thank me.

Alright, look; I’m not gonna make fun of a young woman who was simply trying to do the best job she could. If the stockboys at Target cared half as much as she did about putting her customers at ease then maybe I wouldn’t feel awkward asking them if there’s such a thing as gluten-free Preparation H. I have… highly-specific problems.

At any rate, the cockblockers at OSHA are planning an investigation into the club’s safety measures, or at least that’s the excuse they’ll be using for spending two weeks at a strip club. I can’t really blame them; It’s Cleveland. Your entertainment options are pretty limited. It’s basically go to a strip club, take a crystal meth cooking class, or visit the Krispy Kreme that Drew Carey grew up in. It’s like Disneyland for people who want to kill themselves but just need a little more convincing.

Source: Gawker

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